Puzzles.

I grasp one hand across my stomach, the other pressed firmly over my heart. If I dont hold myself together I think I will split wide open. I've seen people fall apart, crumble under the weight. But if I have come this far, what is one more moment like this. The truth is that it is the moment my heart has been waiting for, the moment I have been avoiding- covering it's cries like a fingers muffling screams. I am a survivor. I have been through hell. I have overcome the things that dont kill us, the things that make us stronger. And I rationalize that every experience is just a peice that fits into a puzzle. And emotions only create jagged, unweilding shapes that wont fit into the picture I am trying to create. So I grasp my stomach, my heart that much harder.

And then I hear something about being Loved. Something about Redemptive Love. Something about wide open arms. Something about "no matter whats" and "come just as you ares." It doesn't fit into my puzzle. It. does not. fit. It pokes holes, bursts dams and unlocks chains. It is a tidal wave. It is a tornado. It is destroying my world and putting it back together. It is weaving in and out, through and under my brokenness- putting me back together. Putting me back together and I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know how to hold myself together anymore.

I break and I weep and I don't put puzzles together anymore.
I am split wide open.