Geesh- being back home, going to my old church... it's all just made me realize how much I've changed. And these are very fundamental changes- deep theological, philosophical changes.

This journey has never been easy. Sue Monk Kidd says "The truth will set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live." A-freakin-men.

There were times that I didn't think it was worth it- there will probably more times like that to come. For the longest time I thought that I was running away from God, that my questions were a way I pushed her/him away so that I could create space around me- so that I could better immerse myself in the process . And I knew that God is in the questions, but not my questions. Not my process. I became angry, tired, confused and learned so many hard truths about faith and the church and my "role" as a woman and the heinous injustices that exist, that I am responsible for causing just by being an american citizen. I learned about entitlement and racism, the cruel way Christians reject people- the way they do it with scriptural references and with their concept of Jesus that is so... just awful.

I thought I was on the fast track to losing my faith and all evidence pointed to me washing my hands of the entire Christian thing. Then I encountered the truly beautiful things. The people who recognize their imperfections and who actively work to make the world a better place. Those who accurately reflect a Christ that I would gladly give my life for. I mean- I still struggled, still struggle- but I have begun to take more ownership of my faith. I have begun to see that my role in the process is not to just question, but to facilitate change. I can see now that being a follower of Christ is so relevant, so practical, so much who I am that I can't ever "get away" from it.

And now I am able to see a profound truth- that God pursues me most when I am questioning. That God is present in my crisis'. That I am not asked to take things as they are, but I am asked to work to make things better.


As Once the Winged Energy of Delight
Rainer Maria Rilke

As once the winged energy of delight
carried you over childhood's dark abysses,
now beyond your own life build the great
arch of unimagined bridges.

Wonders happen if we can succeed
in passing through the harshest danger;
but only in a bright and purely granted
achievement can we realize the wonder.

To work with Things in the indescribable
relationship is not too hard for us;
the pattern grows more intricate and subtle,
and being swept along is not enough.

Take your practiced powers and stretch them out
until they span the chasm between two
contradictions... For the god
wants to know himself in you.