She Said I'm Going To Make It.

Twisting turning winding grinding tunnels.
And I am lost. Lost in the way that makes you forget what it's like to have ever been found. Wasn't I always this way? Didn't I always think in shadows and shifting shapes? Didn't my brain always draw these conclusion with these chemicals as their navigator through the synapses and lobes of thought and reason? It's my worst fears and my last chances all rolled up into a diminished response system.

I told her I was crazy, that I was freak. I told her that I was just too broken, that I literally felt parts of myself dying away. And she loved me anyways. She made community come alive, jump from her tear filled eyes to mine. Today I just needed someone to tell me I am going to make it and she did. I didn't even have to ask. I never have to ask.

Mostly I sabatauge these moments with awkward jokes and uncomfortable laughter. But not this moment. Today I needed to see the way I look in someone else's eyes because I'm so blind. I felt particularly crushed by my neediness and so aware of all the reasons that I will never get it right. But today she told me I am going to make it. And I am.