Coming Home

I have been feeling it, I have been seeing it- like this snow covered landscape. New, fresh, white and clean.

Being found in God. Reading the Bible again because I'm not angry about what I can't understand anymore. I am ready to embrace this faith I can't shake. It doesn't feel forced or needy, it feels constant and coursing through my life. It is giving me life. I am not who I was when I first started this journey and the things that have confounded those around me into walking away are the things that excite me. The not knowing, the not needing to know. It isn't blind or ignorant, it is genuine and full of expectation. I am not ashamed to proclaim the things I know to be true. Who I know to be true. No bible thumping here, no accusations of right and wrong. Simple, innocent faith.

Seeing it in their eyes, hearing it in their voice. I am ready to walk alongside them. Ready to worship with them. Ready to experience the timeless act of total surrender. I feel like I'm falling in love because they say when you do you finally understand what all the songs and poems are saying. And I do. Creation, covenants, sacrifices, resurrection, in need of grace, showing unconditional Love. It's a thing of beauty.

I wrote this in my journal: "When I lost my faith I looked for it where I used to stand faithfully, waiting by the door- or those outer courts they talk about in church. Torn veils and I am trying to sew the pieces back together. And now finding my faith again feels like forgiving the unforgivable, putting my seal on a different letter. It feels like coming home. Like laying in a field watching clouds thinking that if I can figure out what God meant when she or he or whatever put that cloud there with that shape- I can remember everything good. And it feels calm and mystical and I am comfortable because I have a different perspective when I'm laying there."

So right now, I can feel it... I can see it. And it feels right and I am becoming a kind of content I have never been. I am home.