Growing Up is Hard.

Everything feels weird.

And I keep telling myself that this is all a part of change. Graduating, applying for jobs, moving into a new place.

Friendships changing. Relationships shifting. The familiar becoming something... unfamiliar.

I have done things a certain way for so long. And now I have to reorient myself into the role of adult. Of a college graduate. Of a professional in whatever field I choose.

Sometimes these changes make me feel like I have to apologize. Mostly because of my inability to communicate what they look like for me. Or how afraid I am sometimes that I am a moment away from complete failure.

I want to do everything so well. And what if I can't? What if I let the changes redefine me in a way that will cause me to stop recognizing myself? Am I strange for feeling how I feel?

I am torn between wanting a life script and knowing that the best life is lived without rules or codes of behavior. I want to make my own paths but still feel some desire to follow an ordered drum beat. To be a part of the collective pulse. To have someone grab my hand and say, "this is how we are going to do this."

In all of it, I guess my biggest source of dissatisfaction is the fact that I have never wanted these things until now. I had always thought I was some sort of rogue soul capable of blowing in whatever wind and still staying at-the-core true to my own passions.

"Growing up" is both difficult and highly overrated.

In the mean time, I am still going to have to do it.