Ashlee Martha

To my dear friend Hubba,

It took so much to get there, summoning courage, asking for a web of support to weave itself around you…. Going alone, driving the distance, arriving with cheeks still damp from nervous tears. Shaking hands, fast beating heart. You thought about the people now hundreds of miles distant and it made you press on. Phone calls, letters, emails, blog posts- these were your lifelines. Make them proud, you thought.

Then that place began to fail, the reality of an organization riddled with inconsistencies and unrealistic expectation. It began to snatch up your passions and efforts greedily, leaving you without rhyme or reason.

Hubba- your form is your function- God made you with an ever-widening chest cavity so that your heart could hold the compassion and love (S)he would give you for the broken and forgotten. (S)he made your hands ready to grasp another’s, ready to place on a shoulder or meet together around the form of another human. Appendages to stretch out (hold my hand, come to me, I love you this much, etc). Legs and feet to walk across barriers, to cross into thresholds where others deemed hopeless to go.

But these were not being used correctly, they were asking you to refrain from caring, investing, loving. Teach them to close their fists, to use their words as weapons. But the God who made your mouth to speak truth and love, to teach hope and compassion also gave you the ability to know when something was working against those things- taking life from you.

You were so brave to leave that place. I thought that when you called me and told me you were packing your things and walking away- even though people thought you were a quitter, even though they didn't understand. They spoke about finances and obligations and I was proud when you told me you were trusting that the next step would mean more than all of those things.

You are so brave to be where you are now. The next phase is the crucial one- finding self and purpose on the dirty, wet streets of Philadelphia. Waiting patiently for the better things in a place that encourages life giving things.

So, if you find that you are telling yourself to make us proud... I can tell you the answer is this: I and so many others are so proud of you. The truth is I am (and always have been) proud of you and I hope I can find new ways to tell you this as often as I can.

Like I always say- you are deeply and profoundly loved. Because you, Ashlee Martha Hubbard, are changing and changing others. And that is a beautiful thing.

In life and in loving community,

Jaime A. Butler