The Pen/Blog/Email is Mighter

I am so insecure about a lot of things. I'm not amazing academically, I always think I'm a poor communicator and I worry too much about failing or disappointing people- just to name a few. But the one that has come to bear consistently is my writing ability. If you could see the number of drafts in my post box alone you would see the turmoil that goes into even posting a blog. Dramatic- I know.

But it really bothers me that I can't find that place where I am totally confident. I love writing so much- it is the thing that keeps me sane and allows me to express things I can't say out loud. When I sit at my computer and type I find this zone where things flow and I feel the words move from heart to brain to finger tips. And then I snap out of it, I lose my "edge" and close the document, wishing I could have kept going, wanting to say more but feeling the doors slamming, the canals being dammed up. I go through these periods where I refuse to write because I don't want to disappoint myself when nothing comes. I open up this blog account every single day, click "new post," and stare at the screen before deciding if it's even worth it.

This week, I had a professor confirm my insecurities about academics and disappointing people:

"I will be blunt. Yes, you have been a terrible student... There is no excuse. All my preaching about studentdom being your vocation and calling at this point in your life went in one ear and out the other. You have let down me, yourself, anyone who might be contributing toward paying for your education, and God himself who privileged you to be in this wonderful college at this relatively carefree time in your life."

She wrote a lot more. And for about ten minutes, I believed what she said. I let it sink into my skin, let it take up residence in my brain. It was hurtful and I believed it. Then I hit reply and, for one of the first times in my academic life, I stood up for myself. I wrote, I let it move from heart to brain to finger tips. My greatest weapon, my best resource. Words. I found the third way I talked about in my last post. And after a few back and forths, I actually "won." Using an insecurity to fight an insecurity. The ironic thing is she even told me I was a good writer.

When I wrote those emails I was in the zone and it felt like home, it felt safe, it felt real and it lit my mind/brain/soul on fire. And then that feeling went away. Yesterday and today I have felt covered in the wet blanket of insecurity. I have worried about my future and wondered about my past. I guess I just want to wake up tomorrow and know that I will be able to keep fighting these battles in my mind or better yet that they will finally resolve themselves with time.

But until then, I will keep clicking "new post," keep opening up Word documents, keep trying to find that zone.

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith