Fight

I realized today that sometimes things can get really really difficult and messy. That we are not just privy to our own personal bouts of pain, but we are also so deeply connected to the people we love so that when tough things happen in their lives we feel that too.

I feel the depth, the power of human connection most in times of mourning. I am aware that the pain of others fills my heart more readily than the recognition of my own. I am a mess in that regard, but I'm not confident that I would have it any other way. I don't need to be a savior, I just need to protect you from everything- is that too much to ask? I get so angry, so violently angry, when I think about hurt inflicted on people I care about. It fills me up like a helium balloon and I clench my jaw and fists and wait for my heart to slow down so that I can put my need to be angry aside to be a reasonable voice, a ready shoulder.

But sometimes I don't want to put the rage on a shelf. I want something like vindication or retribution that for some reason I feel capable of meting out. It's tiring to feel angry sometimes but is the alternative being passive? And do I want that instead? When it comes to human suffering, the suffering of people I love do I want to turn a cheek and watch them get beaten? Do I want the kind of eye for an eye that, as Ghandi says, leaves us all blind?

No. I want something else. A third way, an alternative that allows me to protect the oppressed, to stand up against even the smallest injustices. I want the way that doesn't tell me my anger needs to be stuffed, that doesn't tell me to find my place as a cog in some apathetic wheel. The kind of way that lets me fight and love at the same time.

If you figure out the right balance, you just let me know. Because today I am angry for someone I love and I will do nothing less than fight.