This Time Last Year...

This what I wrote this time last year. I think it's worth reposting.

Leka sebete chia ho oele sebatha: Try Courage So the Beasts May Fall

To struggle on in this incomprehensible mass that tangles and weaves and finds new crevices to inhabit, finds new neurons to sweep along like foggy morning streets in foggy morning cities.

I have not forgotten hope. I have not forgotten peace. Nor have I forgotten love. They are somewhere inside that mass, little glimmers of light as they rotate in an out, taking the frays and breaks and making them whole. I have forgotten words. I have forgotten body language. And I have forgotten to be with other people.

And I am in the middle of a crumbling, crashing down chaotic undertaking of a force so violent yet so necessary. I am standing with my arms at my sides, my head looking forward, my shoulders dropping to meet the level of my chest. I am pressing my hands firmly against the side of my legs and planting my feet so firmly that they ache.

I have determined to survive. And what am I surviving? Not the way they look at me, not how far I feel from the core that stabilizes who I am, not my faith which is morphing into something new and unusual, not the losses- those are too hard to face right now. I am surviving myself. I am surviving the urge to run and hide, I am surviving uninvited thoughts and broken trust. I am taking days, hours, minutes, seconds- I am grasping them and demanding that they slow down so that I can slow down. I am screaming into spaces to create substance where there is only emptiness. I am pushing back the darkness with honesty and inviting life. "Come and stay for a while," I whisper and I close my eyes. I breathe deep.

I survive.