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Monday, March 12, 2012

Better


We try so hard to be better versions of ourselves. Hoping and hoping that if we “fake it til we make it” there will be some reward for our tireless pursuits. It’s an affliction of the brain not connecting with the heart in the most genuine way. And it’s exhausting, isn’t it? The day-in-day-out routine of convincing ourselves to try just a little bit harder. We create vacuum tight illusions around ourselves and are surprised when the grime finds its way in again. And again.

The people around us are victims of our self-loathing. The disconnect forming disconnections. Community is lost because we refuse to infuse honesty and trust into the circulation of its beating heart so that all there is left is to amputate. To break away. Loneliness is sometimes composed of the times we fail to be authentic with the people that deserve it most.

I say “you” and “we” because these pronouns are safe and the reality of my daily struggles are not. I am afraid of the pieces of myself that want to please the people who fail to see me and push away those who not only see me but love me anyways. I am that person too busy trying to become a “better” version of myself at a cost so great it has left me in a very viscous cycle. I am always so afraid of being selfish or hurtful that I fail to recognize when it is time to stand up for myself. To be brave. To realize that I don’t have to feel small or unimportant, but I do have to connect my head and heart in the most genuine way. I have to stop wanting to be “better” for all the wrong reasons. I have to realize that “better” means letting people love me and fight for me when I’m not at my best. And to let that grime find its way in so that I can learn to wipe it away and move on again. And again.

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