Better Part 2: A Revelation of Implosive Porportions

I am chronically incapable of standing up for myself.  Life experiences have taught me that you can survive almost anything. If you just put your head down and shut up, if you just close your eyes and go someplace else- you can endure the most extreme situations. The key is to submit. The key is to endure.

And so I have developed a level of endurance that has marked/marred my life path. It’s good to weather storms, to push your body against the wind and pull your hood around your cheeks. It’s good to know how to survive and how to maintain a level of homeostasis that makes day-to-day functioning manageable. But when it starts to seep into everything- into the relationships that are safe, into how you love and how you hope- it becomes something toxic and self-depreciating. It shuts you up and gives people permission to disregard your worth.

And so here’s the truth- I am terrified of standing up for myself. I am afraid to be honest. I choose submission every time. I choose to let myself become less. 

I had a great conversation with a wise friend. I was explaining that I hate having to stand up for myself because my first response in those intense moments is to cry. And then I feel weak when what I had been feeling inside was something bold and honest. My insides don’t match my outsides and I feel… small. She told me that it would make sense for me to respond that way- the buildup of courage and honesty being held back so that the pressure builds and builds. And then in that moment where I decide to be passive, my brain freaks out and reminds me that there is something interior-ly that wanted to be heard. Something that was worth being heard. 

Makes sense, right? I am imagining my closest friends shaking their heads at me in “I’ve told you this a million times” kind of way. There are people who fight tooth and nail for me. But when I don’t fight for myself I tend to unravel all of their love and protection, all of their encouragements and validations. And I allow those people who have not really earned the right to speak into my life me feel "less than."I give them power they have never deserved. 

So, what now? I’m ready to sign that contract. I’m ready to commit to speaking. I’m ready to freaking stand up for myself.